oh wow, hello September.

This is wow . the last time i log in and posted a post is almost 10 months ago.

But hello there, I'm back & this time , decided to be a lil' hardworking and 'renovate' this lil' space .

I kinda ended 2015 on a wrong note with an unhealthy decision i made & so the start of 2016 was one hella ride for me all the way till now , 2016 is almost ending . but i made a promise to myself i need to clear these pile of mess before christmas , before a new year start . it's about time i start on a clean , healthy , brand new chapter of my adulthood.

Throughout this year , people come , people go - drifting in and out of my life , almost like characters in a favourite book . when you finally close the cover , the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book , complete with new characters and new adventures . then you find yourself focusing on the present ones , not the ones from the past . so i deeply appreciate and thankful to those that stayed and helped me out through this tough period . i promise i'll come back even stronger .

2015

20 days into 2015 - the days ahead doesn't seems promising at all yet . 

It wasn’t a bed of roses. I have built too many walls in my mind. A barrier so thick, a barrier that repels a helping hand . I lost faith in starting anew each year , they’re just numbers and dates in the end .

Many a times , I have a sense of loss with reality . On so many days , I feel mentally apart with people . I have reached the point where everyone I know has the same meaning in life of achieving a goal they deem selfless but deep down – it really is all a contribution for a single individual - in his/her own eyes – sees others as factors . We call it friendship , fostering bonds but at the the end of the day there will always be an underlying motive . Always . The saddest part about this concoction is that people can only relate to it , not have it . The majority of society are too afraid to embrace and adapt to the dark side of human nature and instead , chooses the simple-minded way of living – blinded by what the media has fed them . There is nobody out there I can truly hold on to .

During the times when I tried to discuss of this image of life , people tend to shun it away with comments that ‘aiya , people change’ | 'no la , don't think too much' or any vague replies of reassurance . Venting it out just solely a hope that they will understand . I feel drained that everybody I have met so far is mentally predictable . The biggest flaw I find in modern times is that people are unquestionably gifted with judging on everyone but themselves , they fail or refuse to accept their own failure enough to improve on themselves (because everyone believes they are already improved or the nature of ‘going with the flow’ will just innately work things out their way) . There is fear of the many attributes the human mind is capable of . We feel so separated from people but simultaneously we retweet the same words of comfort . There are way too many different groups of birds of the same feather flocking out there , it’s scary . It’s scary how people fail to realize that we’re all just little specks in the ocean , and no one is meant to matter .

And yes , I may adapt to society but I will never ever fully understand enough to be human.

2k14

I welcomed 2014 with a thought it’ll turn for the better after my life turned for the worse in late 2013. But 2k14 hasn’t been good at all. In fact, I pretty much couldn't rmbr any significant part of the year that’s worth reminiscing. Flipping through the past 12 chapters, I sighed. I’ve wasted another year forcing all my plans, decisions, choices, to a pause due to one major obstruction. An obstruction I wish to get rid of but dk how. An obstruction that everybody thought we owed our lives to & have to be grateful. But I think otherwise. Yes, this obstruction brought me to earth, I owe my thanks. Yes, I’m a Buddhist I believe in karma & I believe other religions do have too, in one term or another. Maybe sinful karma got it’s retribution to me this life. But I think there’s always a reason we’re given a second chance to live life. & by that it means to live the fullest not bein’ tortured & let misery or fear consumed us. This year went by fast enough. & throughout these 365 pages I lived by everyday looking forward to the end of each day in wait for a new fresh start the next day telling myself “It’s ok, tmr will be better”. On repeat everyday. Thankful I (barely) survived the year.

Through all the bad, positive happy vibes could still be found at times.

I’ve made lots of new friends, of which I lose quite a number too. Some of which I hold dearly to the remains on the good side of the friendship. I saw how mean & ugly a person’s character can turn to. & how one not to judge a book by it’s cover, how the closest person you thought could be your biggest enemy, how one show their true colors over a span of time. On a bright side I’m glad I managed to catch up with a few friends that I’ve not met for ages. One of the few gold moments that kept me surviving . Love category wise have got no items added in yet. Maybe two or three miscellaneous ones (eyecandies) HAHA.

Family line is horrible. I’ve been trying to think of another word besides family that I could use cause typing out this word itself is eew enough needless to say I’ve to say out “Oh, I’ve a family that I love”(YUCK) but yet to come up with yet. Suggestions anybody?

Thankful for all those that still stick through me after everything , helping me out in one way or another . Thank You .

Not forgetting you Finn , the one person I'm really really grateful for . (As for the reply to the previous previous post you did , I shall give a response in another time haha .)

With a heavy heart & mixed emotion , I bid 2k14 goodbye forever .

Flashback zero one three

I'm like 20 days late ..... HEY IM BUSY OK hahahah so I told myself it's a must to finish it today and not to drag any longer esp this whole week gonna be hellavu cray .

2013 started blissfully & peacefully at kmspks with merits gained then I continued after with my bbgs basically I had a good start to 2013 on the dot ☺

Thank you my Charlie Angels for tolerating me and always bein' there for me despite my super busy schedules , guilty for not putting in the extra effort to catch up w you guys . I promised to try dig out more time for y'all this year alright ! Mua Muax ♡♡♡

Then it comes open house

She was my good friend then

But then again , people change , sth caught up & glad we're still friends though

I picked up the skills of guitar I was so excited about but dreams were crashed soonafter

My first presentation

Catched up with the taiwan mates missin' those good times still ;')

Feb

Virgin performance @ USS > losing some of my close friends that I used to treasure quite abit

Hahahahh miss you tay ! Those times that we talked rubbish all day & joke around

Trying pretty hard to remember where I had left the polaroids . Thanks for being the listening ears to all my rants before we started to drift apart .

March

April

Sending the Charlie Angels off to BKK

#nationalsiblingsday

谢谢ni men for staying by my side . Sis , I've seen you grown pretty much throughout these months , learning how to keep your mouth shut when there's a need to and now finally you're Sec 1 . Kudos to that .

Probly the only day I returned home early & managed to captured such a beautiful sunset

May

Jes sweet 17th bbq party ! Surprise success yay ! 

June

Thank You Ah Li for the 6yrs going 7yrs of friendship

Appreciate all the HTHTs though we hardly talked now but know that I'm always there for ya alright , my crazy partner ! ;') 

Glad I managed to catch up w my lowersec clique girls

We agreed to each other we're gonna meet up often and not how we reunited 'cause Ver left us 1.5yrs ago . Miss you dearly Ver ! Hope you're doing fine now ;')  

Father's Day

Thanks daddy for the care and concern showered on me , fetching me to and fro school whenever Finn is not free to fetch me , asking me if I need allowance , telling me to take life easy . Sorry that I've not been a perfect daughter with my pretty much f* up attitude you have to endure . Sorry that I've not made the effort to try starting a convo with you taking faults at you when you didn't stand up for the family but I know you're really tired 'bout the whole family nonsense . Thank you for everything . Love you most .

July

So much love for them

Thanks bro for always supporting me silently . We really need to talk more HAHAHA

The year where I turn 18th finally . It's these snippets of  happy moments that keep me standing 

One of my fav photos

When I'm still able to squeeze out time for meet-ups .

Aug

Thanks for the guidance my gaohu team throughout practice , combine , intensive , performances !!

Jen's sweet 18th , another successful surprise ;')

Sep

Had my first try in OBS where I met a bunch of friends I can trust & rely on . Thankful for the memories and bond we had during this 5D4N !

Oct

(Not in sequence)

Thank you comm , alumnus for the guidance throughout my times as a vp . Not exaggerating when I say this journey was full of bumpy up & downs , it wasn't easy at all esp having to struggle with going home early and school projs . But I glad I pressed on even though halfway through I did have the strong urge to give up . The things I learnt surprise me at how I can help myself in life .

* the only and ugliest photo of us *

Thank You JLS for standing by me and not giving up on me esp when I wanted to give up so badly . I really did feel like a fuckin awkz lightbulb working with both of you at the start but along the way I kinda get used to it haha . Thanks for all the help in the many up-downs , know that I'm greatly appreciated . We are indeed Jia Lat Sia HAHAHHA . Cheers to a few months more !

p.s stop ignoring me HAHAHHA #justsaying

Not forgetting Karen !

Nov

Tessa's 18th surprise at her crib !

Nathan ! Shine the theater during musical alright ! Make everybody madly indulge in your voice !!

Hi my babe with the same name as my sister thus the reason of you being my sister too ^^

Thanks for keeping me sane from this hell school and making poly life much more bearable along with Sian and Dan . Hehe always enjoying when we spill our lil' secrets to each other . Know that I'm always here okzzxcc !! Love you ! Btw , this is by far , my fav photo of us !

Not not not forgetting the bodyguards ! Sorry for not paying attention to class and have y'all do my labs ! Truly grateful , continue the role of my bodyguards alright ^^v

One of the many successful concerts that my sleepless/latenights of hardwork paid off .

Dec

Not gonna say much on dec since my previous post has updates on it .

I'm glad I had a good start and end to this painful year . At least at the outer shell it seems perfect .

2013 was full of shits & most prob the worst year ever . From friendship to family to r/s to school to work problems . All kind of world problems surfaced . I made new friends which I sincerely wish it'll blossom into a true friendships , having too many friends can be a con too . At the end of the day , you'll realize only a minute amount of friends are truthfully true to you . Thus , somehow I hate this over-sociable character of mine at times . I've also cast aside some people whose character simply puts me off because friends do not do those kind of thing . I don't believe in staying with a friend when they don't act like a friend to you . I just don't really plaster a smile all the time and say hello to somebody that disgusts me you know . I start to avoid peoples . Also , more than one tragic happened and I really don't wish to mention it . Things just went downhill in August and went to a stage suicide can actually cross my mind in October . Thank god for all those that's still by my side and not giving up on me , willingly to suffer with me throughout , knowing I'm not right despite all my smiles and laughter . You guys know who you are deep down love y'all much much kay ? Sometimes I just couldn't stand myself for drowning in pain and sorrows , so not not me can .

They say family will always be your pillar of strength but nope , mine didn't . Finn took over them instead . Everytime I look back the past years on the things I have/force to give up , I couldn't help but to hate my mum a lil' more . Idc that makes me sound like an unfilial child or what I'm just voicing out . Guitar , Organ (WORSE having to GIVE it away to some rag-and-bone man) , Sailing , NAFA , DJ classes so much more so much much more . Don't get why she just have to be so simple-minded and ruin my childhood which I treasured so much . MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES . It's all this hatred thoughts that had me came up with my 2014 resolutions : To have super supportive parents .

Simple as that , god .

Speaking of which , I can't thank god for giving me the best buddy I can ever asked for . Thank you Finn , for bein' by my side 24/7 despite the attitude I throw at you sometimes , giving me good food always , sending me to school blah blah blah . I still love you for your retarded yet cool , annoying yet funny character and how you actually resemblance Gab so much ok . To many more years ahead , xoxo . 

I just wish life moves on with all that is living and may everyone be happy. I've always wished for people to be happy . But it doesn't seem as easy for some . Whatever life throws at you , you gotta move on . Don't live your life just for a particular someone because eventually it will kill you.  Aim to live a fulfilling life and accepting regrets and mistakes , appreciating what you have . Because you never know what happens next . Yes , I can say things like that . But even I can't do all that I've said. We can only try and I sincerely hope for a better 2014

FINALLY ! Not gonna say much anymore , because in a few hours time , I'mm gonna start on the routine for the past few days of 8am-12mn for a week more . Mentally drained . Physically drained . #sadlife

Oh ya , in case I forget to thank anybody , SORREH !