a late welcome to 2k17

hello friends , it's been awhile .

2016 went by way too fast for me to really reflect on the many ups and downs for the past year . but i'm feeling thankful . i'm just deeply thankful and grateful i was able to build stronger bridges for those who stayed by my side and guided me along the way , showering me love that i didn't asked for in one way or another . thankful that i'm still alive . thankful for those wise words that makes me treasure life even more . thankful for my decision to take a faith in the unknown and not let fear and a concern for what others will think sway my choices . thankful for those that somehow still give a damn about how and what i'm doing . thankful for this world , the amaze balls people I've met on the road who inspire me and the places I've been that took my breath away with their beauty . letting myself be vulnerable has opened my heart to positive changes . I’ve grown to love myself and the way that i think so i embraced 2017 on a contented note 🙏🏼

and now coming to 2017 , i've been thinking for the longest time what my resolutions will be . & after into the second month of the year , i think i've know what they are .

i feel like i've changed , or i have changed . more than once , we’ve been told to be ourselves . more than once , we couldn’t figure out who ourselves were . more than once have we been lost and confused , grasping at the scattered pieces that defined who we were . but i am human . and in moments like this , i doubt the very nature of my human existence , that i have not fully comprehend my own identity and that scares me . for the longest of time , i have changed to blend in with the people around me . how am i supposed to know how to live when i don’t know who i am and what i rlly want ? so what happens when you start to lose yourself ? What then ? that feeling of doubt , it’s terrifying . everything around me , it hasn’t changed but at the same time , it has changed immensely and the changes are drastic . and in moments like this , we think , we doubt , we question ourselves . and eventually , our perspectives change . as we grow , deep down inside we feel as our emotions intensify .

i have so much love to give , but i’m going to start giving it to myself instead of people who couldn’t care less if we never spoke again . i’ve made permanent homes in people who only made temporising vacations in me , and that , needs to end . this year - i've closed my love and hopes for someone i held so close to my heart for the longest time and open up to someone else . and it began . all sorts of emotions and thoughts start breaking through the walls i've build up over the past years . how do you want me to open up when over and over again , i wasn't given the chance and support . i'm a girl after-all . i have feelings . i have thoughts that i kept deep down just cause i don't feel the need to pour them out . i have plenty of insecurities too . i don't get pissed and disappear doesn't mean i don't get jealous doesn't mean i don't feel hurt doesn't mean i'm really really ok . i have unhealthy habits/routines and i need time . i need time to change . i need chances . i'm not perfect , i can't completely change after a sleep . i've been independent for way too long to know how to love anymore . i've gave you yours where's mine ? maybe it's just me . but i'm out . i'm done .

2015

20 days into 2015 - the days ahead doesn't seems promising at all yet . 

It wasn’t a bed of roses. I have built too many walls in my mind. A barrier so thick, a barrier that repels a helping hand . I lost faith in starting anew each year , they’re just numbers and dates in the end .

Many a times , I have a sense of loss with reality . On so many days , I feel mentally apart with people . I have reached the point where everyone I know has the same meaning in life of achieving a goal they deem selfless but deep down – it really is all a contribution for a single individual - in his/her own eyes – sees others as factors . We call it friendship , fostering bonds but at the the end of the day there will always be an underlying motive . Always . The saddest part about this concoction is that people can only relate to it , not have it . The majority of society are too afraid to embrace and adapt to the dark side of human nature and instead , chooses the simple-minded way of living – blinded by what the media has fed them . There is nobody out there I can truly hold on to .

During the times when I tried to discuss of this image of life , people tend to shun it away with comments that ‘aiya , people change’ | 'no la , don't think too much' or any vague replies of reassurance . Venting it out just solely a hope that they will understand . I feel drained that everybody I have met so far is mentally predictable . The biggest flaw I find in modern times is that people are unquestionably gifted with judging on everyone but themselves , they fail or refuse to accept their own failure enough to improve on themselves (because everyone believes they are already improved or the nature of ‘going with the flow’ will just innately work things out their way) . There is fear of the many attributes the human mind is capable of . We feel so separated from people but simultaneously we retweet the same words of comfort . There are way too many different groups of birds of the same feather flocking out there , it’s scary . It’s scary how people fail to realize that we’re all just little specks in the ocean , and no one is meant to matter .

And yes , I may adapt to society but I will never ever fully understand enough to be human.

Time is G O L D

Sometimes I wonder where will I be 10yrs down the road . I've been thinking , that I've been missing . And  a huge part of this comes from this very moment at where I'm sitting rn . ( FYI to those not catching the ball , I'm sitting infront of a comp 9 hrs everyday doing C O D I N G ) .

 I'm a dreamer of weird thoughts and doing things the weirdest way with the weirdest dreams which includes the weirdest occupations I wanna be . A common question we all ask ourselves - what are we doing with our lives ? what are we going to do with our lives ? Of late I've been thinking at how I've grown // ya it's just simple growing up but know me well enough you know I hate growing up // and how I've disappear away after every phrase of my life . That ---> suck in a way somehow . How I'm not talking to my childhood mates anymore after I left kindergarten and not making an attempt to reconnect the string btwn me and them(of which , partly wasn't my fault) ; How I'm not doing my prayers and attend class after I graduate from sec sch ; How I'm in the progress of disappearing from co after my final year ; 

it's time to get my priorities right .

& how as the years goes by , one tend to think so much it's giving nightmares ( or maybe it's only me , me & yours truly ) .

I am afraid that my life will go running in opposite diretions

I am afraid that who I am misses who I used to be

I am afraid of the demons within me

I am afraid with what retribution has given me

I am afraid of my own flaws

I am afraid my life is beyond saving

I am afraid of losing

and I'm afraid my breaths will start to collapse

Death . Frighten me all the time I tuck myself to sleep as much as I can't imagine people I love around me dying .

I have studies to occupy myself with but I just come to a point in my growing up where I stop learning just because I hate taking life so seriously vice-versa I hate taking life lightly just as much . Bitches , bastards , backstabber , the list goes on forever .

Everyone out there just wants to save themselves from trouble , and they abuse words and trust . That is growing up . That is survival . Because life is a bed full of roses , we just often forget that roses eventually develop thorns and hey , that is who you'll be the rest of your life without a turning point

PS this isn't what I intend to write at the beginning of this post but oh well somehow my fingers typed them up so , yup HA

Panphobia

I am afraid to say that I live in fear everyday

I am afraid of lizards/anything reptile-like

I am afraid of who I am

I am afraid of who I'll become

I am afraid that who I am misses who I used to be

I am afraid that my life will go running in opposite directions

I am afraid of my own sanity and morals

I am afraid that I rely on myself too much

I am afraid of people

I am afraid that every one in the world will be against me

I am afraid to die

I am afraid of what karma will do to me

I am afraid that I will be lost

I am afraid of the demons within me

I am afraid that no one will ever trust me

I am afraid that hope and faith will abandon me

I am afraid that one day my soul will be half-empty

I am afraid the weather gets too humid

I am afraid my breaths will start to collapse

I am afraid with what retribution has given me after I die

I am afraid that I'll go to hell

I am afraid of my own reflection and flaws

I am afraid of uncertainty

I am afraid of affection turning its back on me

I am afraid that I can never be happy again

I am afraid that I wish I had never been born

I am afraid that my mind will always be clouded with meaningless thoughts

I am afraid of growing up

I am afraid of losing

I am afraid that I want to leave this world

I am afraid to live

Life is a sack filled w shit

As I take a step each day towards the ending point of this long journey , the insights towards nature gets clearer . Every step I take , the view to the world gets a lil' bigger . People whom I thought will nvr change , changed - it's ok if it's a lil' but the change is so much , & its bad .. & it really scares me if one day I changed too or maybe I already did or everyone around me that I've regarded as friend , changed & leaves me . How selfishness can engulfed somebody to another person I've never knew . Someday I wish to know the reason why they change . Maybe they don't know either . I don't wish to lose a friend . I tried to believe nobody's perfect and my friend will always be my friend no matter how much they changed . But recently , I start to think I was wrong . I can't stand how one changed to a selfish acting cool wannabe . Why , idk .

Everytime I set foot on ecp , my legs will always bring me for a walk towards the south all the way till nsc came to view . Nostalgia will then swallow me & the less than 200M dist will always feel as if I've walked 1KM . Sailing was always my passion & just when I finally got a chance to sail the waves at 13 , my mum decided to crash this lil' dream bubble in my head . Devastated , I tried all ways and 2 yrs later , I see YOG coming . My mum will never know how it feels to be able to concur the ocean . That's where the only time I feel free , letting the sun kiss my skin , and the wind brushing against them . Those new friends I made from all over the world and memories I've created with them , watching races , speeding in referee boat etc. in nsc will always be remembered . & now I regret so much for not disobeying my mum & continue what I want .. Too late , Indeed .

I start to doubt myself if this position really fits me . Wtvr I say always seem to deem as rubbish/nonsense . I tried my best in bein' serious , sometimes you guys just didn't make that effort to at least believe me . It's ok if the whole world's against me . At least put in some effort to not treat me as invisible , at least . Questions bein' ignored , pressence bein' ignored , suggestions bein' ignored , advise bein' turned down etc etc etc . Hello my friend , I'm just sittin' right beside , I'm online . I really love how I'm bein' ignored right smack in btwn . Feel me sometimes , try puttin' yourself in my shoe & then tryin' to pretend everything's ok when all this shit is happening to me . Damn ,  nobody really cares . 

Silhouette

" Loneliness is underrated " - Tom Hansen 

It's so scary at times when know you have to face the world alone , against all odds .

It's you against the world & the world against you .

Occasionally you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache . You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor , & picks it up . You are the only who wipes those fallen tears . You are the one who feeds , who clothes , who grooms , and you should be proud of that - Having the strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you is tryin' to bleed you dry or too busy to notice that it is the strongest thing in the universe . 

That is where you learn to fend & love yourself more than anyone else .

Something we can never have answer to , yet put ourselves through shit to find out .

Where's my world of fantasy ?

12/05

Tiredgirl95 after a #Nikesheruns5k .

Happy 18th mothers day to the abu .

it's 12:55am now .

I have to wake at 4:30 am ltr for kms 3steps1bow .

& I haven't even hit the sack .

Wild thoughts .

Reality sets in .

Heart crys .

Goodnight .

Perils

Tuesday early morning , before dawn even sets in , the air was cold , the lil' breeze from time to time was refreshing . I stepped into the bath room . The hot water poured on me . I was feeling slightly better , well at least . Questions and more questions flowed in , question is that I questioned myself whether I've done right . Are you seriously saying I'm not serious ? Look who's talkin' man . These few weeks these few days have been really really tiring , that kind of tiredness that wears you off and I'd probly just get through this post with just ramblings . Being the leader of sucha big group adds in to the pain of bein' sandwiched . Feel me ok , when what you did was not even wanting to share , yes I'm invisible yes, I'm a light bulb . I've got so many thoughts in mind , and I said it too loudly & now this mess . & when all the faults and blames and everything and anything points to me , I nearly went cray . I'm not good at pointin' others faults , not unless this fella really irritates the hell outta me . What I heard today was disappointin' , really . When everythin' in summarize sounds so much like , "Duh , it's your fault" . Pushin' blames , poitin' arrows , you guys are pretty muchh good at this . Didn't I alr said I'm not free on Fri ? But you guys go ahead anyways ? & you guys just chose to sit there sealed your mouth & get clean from this matter . Then everyone started saying 'never set good example la' 'please learnt to sort out your priorities' For god's sake . It's my bff 18th burfdae man , so zip 'bout settin' my priorities . 'please be more active during meetings' I ONLY ABSENT ONCE . All these might sound like blamings or wtvr in perspective views . I remained silent . If I didn't sent it out ? Who will man . And when I sent , I bear the responsibility . There's so much to do so much 'bout managing my time , can't you even relate to me ? Stress . Like you're the only one havin' it . Just that people don't show it out as obvious as you do . Go ahead , list down a roll of negatives to gain pity points . Sick and tired . so much so I don't feel like writin' anymore . Truth hurts a billion . You , please go ahead in gainin' sympathy stress points and you , continue to have that who-gives-a-damn attitude and continue to leave me out of the convo . Everything's not over yet . The solution have yet to even started . I was waiting for a pair of listening years to rant everythin' out . Somebody I can trust w . But none came , & I hate to approach others to relate 'bout my craps unless bein' asked . So for now , I just have to hid everythin' within this reckless soul . To add on to the misery , school was bein a biatch too . I thought I'm gonna suffocate w no girls to gossip w . Bleh . Let me survive this man , god please please be with me .

Twirl around , the mess in your head

Still up and awake , and I’m thinking sth that pops up in my brain pretty often nowadays , that I’ve been missing . Missing from all the priorities in my life and not getting’ them straight . I hate growing up , and by sayin’ that , I still can’t change the fact that I’m growing . Like everyday why am I wasting my precious youth with unnecessary drama , not that I have to completely erase them from my social life or take life so seriously . My mind is tangled , when time moves steadily but your thoughts doubled at that pace . I have studies and cca to occupy myself with . & the prob comes in , I’m too occupied that I missed out the funneh interesting things that’s goin’ on ‘round me . I’ve made a lot of choices that have gotten me this far , sometimes I wonder if things would turn out differently if I chose the other way & sometimes I was so eager to rewind back time because this was never what I wanted , I know what I want , but like it or not you pretty much have to accept the fact that sometimes we just have to give it up . And my solution let the past be . There's so much in life to look forward to .

Sigh , right now I just wanna feel thankful for havin’ a few true friends I can relate to . I rather keep this minute amount of people throughout my life as a pillar support over those ungrateful lil’ things that you've done so much for .

Happy May //