Time is G O L D

Sometimes I wonder where will I be 10yrs down the road . I've been thinking , that I've been missing . And  a huge part of this comes from this very moment at where I'm sitting rn . ( FYI to those not catching the ball , I'm sitting infront of a comp 9 hrs everyday doing C O D I N G ) .

 I'm a dreamer of weird thoughts and doing things the weirdest way with the weirdest dreams which includes the weirdest occupations I wanna be . A common question we all ask ourselves - what are we doing with our lives ? what are we going to do with our lives ? Of late I've been thinking at how I've grown // ya it's just simple growing up but know me well enough you know I hate growing up // and how I've disappear away after every phrase of my life . That ---> suck in a way somehow . How I'm not talking to my childhood mates anymore after I left kindergarten and not making an attempt to reconnect the string btwn me and them(of which , partly wasn't my fault) ; How I'm not doing my prayers and attend class after I graduate from sec sch ; How I'm in the progress of disappearing from co after my final year ; 

it's time to get my priorities right .

& how as the years goes by , one tend to think so much it's giving nightmares ( or maybe it's only me , me & yours truly ) .

I am afraid that my life will go running in opposite diretions

I am afraid that who I am misses who I used to be

I am afraid of the demons within me

I am afraid with what retribution has given me

I am afraid of my own flaws

I am afraid my life is beyond saving

I am afraid of losing

and I'm afraid my breaths will start to collapse

Death . Frighten me all the time I tuck myself to sleep as much as I can't imagine people I love around me dying .

I have studies to occupy myself with but I just come to a point in my growing up where I stop learning just because I hate taking life so seriously vice-versa I hate taking life lightly just as much . Bitches , bastards , backstabber , the list goes on forever .

Everyone out there just wants to save themselves from trouble , and they abuse words and trust . That is growing up . That is survival . Because life is a bed full of roses , we just often forget that roses eventually develop thorns and hey , that is who you'll be the rest of your life without a turning point

PS this isn't what I intend to write at the beginning of this post but oh well somehow my fingers typed them up so , yup HA

Life is a sack filled w shit

As I take a step each day towards the ending point of this long journey , the insights towards nature gets clearer . Every step I take , the view to the world gets a lil' bigger . People whom I thought will nvr change , changed - it's ok if it's a lil' but the change is so much , & its bad .. & it really scares me if one day I changed too or maybe I already did or everyone around me that I've regarded as friend , changed & leaves me . How selfishness can engulfed somebody to another person I've never knew . Someday I wish to know the reason why they change . Maybe they don't know either . I don't wish to lose a friend . I tried to believe nobody's perfect and my friend will always be my friend no matter how much they changed . But recently , I start to think I was wrong . I can't stand how one changed to a selfish acting cool wannabe . Why , idk .

Everytime I set foot on ecp , my legs will always bring me for a walk towards the south all the way till nsc came to view . Nostalgia will then swallow me & the less than 200M dist will always feel as if I've walked 1KM . Sailing was always my passion & just when I finally got a chance to sail the waves at 13 , my mum decided to crash this lil' dream bubble in my head . Devastated , I tried all ways and 2 yrs later , I see YOG coming . My mum will never know how it feels to be able to concur the ocean . That's where the only time I feel free , letting the sun kiss my skin , and the wind brushing against them . Those new friends I made from all over the world and memories I've created with them , watching races , speeding in referee boat etc. in nsc will always be remembered . & now I regret so much for not disobeying my mum & continue what I want .. Too late , Indeed .

I start to doubt myself if this position really fits me . Wtvr I say always seem to deem as rubbish/nonsense . I tried my best in bein' serious , sometimes you guys just didn't make that effort to at least believe me . It's ok if the whole world's against me . At least put in some effort to not treat me as invisible , at least . Questions bein' ignored , pressence bein' ignored , suggestions bein' ignored , advise bein' turned down etc etc etc . Hello my friend , I'm just sittin' right beside , I'm online . I really love how I'm bein' ignored right smack in btwn . Feel me sometimes , try puttin' yourself in my shoe & then tryin' to pretend everything's ok when all this shit is happening to me . Damn ,  nobody really cares . 

Silhouette

" Loneliness is underrated " - Tom Hansen 

It's so scary at times when know you have to face the world alone , against all odds .

It's you against the world & the world against you .

Occasionally you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache . You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor , & picks it up . You are the only who wipes those fallen tears . You are the one who feeds , who clothes , who grooms , and you should be proud of that - Having the strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you is tryin' to bleed you dry or too busy to notice that it is the strongest thing in the universe . 

That is where you learn to fend & love yourself more than anyone else .

Something we can never have answer to , yet put ourselves through shit to find out .

Where's my world of fantasy ?