Panphobia

I am afraid to say that I live in fear everyday

I am afraid of lizards/anything reptile-like

I am afraid of who I am

I am afraid of who I'll become

I am afraid that who I am misses who I used to be

I am afraid that my life will go running in opposite directions

I am afraid of my own sanity and morals

I am afraid that I rely on myself too much

I am afraid of people

I am afraid that every one in the world will be against me

I am afraid to die

I am afraid of what karma will do to me

I am afraid that I will be lost

I am afraid of the demons within me

I am afraid that no one will ever trust me

I am afraid that hope and faith will abandon me

I am afraid that one day my soul will be half-empty

I am afraid the weather gets too humid

I am afraid my breaths will start to collapse

I am afraid with what retribution has given me after I die

I am afraid that I'll go to hell

I am afraid of my own reflection and flaws

I am afraid of uncertainty

I am afraid of affection turning its back on me

I am afraid that I can never be happy again

I am afraid that I wish I had never been born

I am afraid that my mind will always be clouded with meaningless thoughts

I am afraid of growing up

I am afraid of losing

I am afraid that I want to leave this world

I am afraid to live

Life is a sack filled w shit

As I take a step each day towards the ending point of this long journey , the insights towards nature gets clearer . Every step I take , the view to the world gets a lil' bigger . People whom I thought will nvr change , changed - it's ok if it's a lil' but the change is so much , & its bad .. & it really scares me if one day I changed too or maybe I already did or everyone around me that I've regarded as friend , changed & leaves me . How selfishness can engulfed somebody to another person I've never knew . Someday I wish to know the reason why they change . Maybe they don't know either . I don't wish to lose a friend . I tried to believe nobody's perfect and my friend will always be my friend no matter how much they changed . But recently , I start to think I was wrong . I can't stand how one changed to a selfish acting cool wannabe . Why , idk .

Everytime I set foot on ecp , my legs will always bring me for a walk towards the south all the way till nsc came to view . Nostalgia will then swallow me & the less than 200M dist will always feel as if I've walked 1KM . Sailing was always my passion & just when I finally got a chance to sail the waves at 13 , my mum decided to crash this lil' dream bubble in my head . Devastated , I tried all ways and 2 yrs later , I see YOG coming . My mum will never know how it feels to be able to concur the ocean . That's where the only time I feel free , letting the sun kiss my skin , and the wind brushing against them . Those new friends I made from all over the world and memories I've created with them , watching races , speeding in referee boat etc. in nsc will always be remembered . & now I regret so much for not disobeying my mum & continue what I want .. Too late , Indeed .

I start to doubt myself if this position really fits me . Wtvr I say always seem to deem as rubbish/nonsense . I tried my best in bein' serious , sometimes you guys just didn't make that effort to at least believe me . It's ok if the whole world's against me . At least put in some effort to not treat me as invisible , at least . Questions bein' ignored , pressence bein' ignored , suggestions bein' ignored , advise bein' turned down etc etc etc . Hello my friend , I'm just sittin' right beside , I'm online . I really love how I'm bein' ignored right smack in btwn . Feel me sometimes , try puttin' yourself in my shoe & then tryin' to pretend everything's ok when all this shit is happening to me . Damn ,  nobody really cares . 

Silhouette

" Loneliness is underrated " - Tom Hansen 

It's so scary at times when know you have to face the world alone , against all odds .

It's you against the world & the world against you .

Occasionally you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache . You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor , & picks it up . You are the only who wipes those fallen tears . You are the one who feeds , who clothes , who grooms , and you should be proud of that - Having the strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you is tryin' to bleed you dry or too busy to notice that it is the strongest thing in the universe . 

That is where you learn to fend & love yourself more than anyone else .

Something we can never have answer to , yet put ourselves through shit to find out .

Where's my world of fantasy ?