20 . 11 . 13

Looking through my drafts and gallery I realise I've got quite a number of things not shared yet . Spare me a bit though , lots of things have been pilling on me since sem 2 starts . Things just dont get better as each month or each sem pass or maybe I'm stressing myself too much I dont even know .

I have to stop pushin' people away man and get all pow-wow when they moved on , as much as I need to stop drifting from people 'round me . Idk , I'm still stuck in that delusion & not moving on believing single-sided love does exist . Trust just isn't there you see , then when I finally met somebody and pour my hearts out , they left .
"To love is to suffer . To avoid this suffering , one must not love . But then again,  one suffers the loneliness from not loving . Therefore to love is to suffer ; not to love is to suffer but yet to suffer is to suffer . They say to love brings happiness , then , so is it to suffer ? But suffering makes one unhappy . Therefore , to be happy , one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness ." 
One will nvr get contented , too much of everything kills .
Theres so many thoughts spinning in my head rn , engulfing me but somehow I just dk how to spill them out . So many ppl just come & go out of my life recently why can't they either stay or don't even enter ? Feel free to come in , the door to my heart is always open , feel free to leave too . But but but just don't stand at the door . 
That feeling is pretty hard to bear . 

Life is a sack filled w shit

As I take a step each day towards the ending point of this long journey , the insights towards nature gets clearer . Every step I take , the view to the world gets a lil' bigger . People whom I thought will nvr change , changed - it's ok if it's a lil' but the change is so much , & its bad .. & it really scares me if one day I changed too or maybe I already did or everyone around me that I've regarded as friend , changed & leaves me . How selfishness can engulfed somebody to another person I've never knew . Someday I wish to know the reason why they change . Maybe they don't know either . I don't wish to lose a friend . I tried to believe nobody's perfect and my friend will always be my friend no matter how much they changed . But recently , I start to think I was wrong . I can't stand how one changed to a selfish acting cool wannabe . Why , idk .

Everytime I set foot on ecp , my legs will always bring me for a walk towards the south all the way till nsc came to view . Nostalgia will then swallow me & the less than 200M dist will always feel as if I've walked 1KM . Sailing was always my passion & just when I finally got a chance to sail the waves at 13 , my mum decided to crash this lil' dream bubble in my head . Devastated , I tried all ways and 2 yrs later , I see YOG coming . My mum will never know how it feels to be able to concur the ocean . That's where the only time I feel free , letting the sun kiss my skin , and the wind brushing against them . Those new friends I made from all over the world and memories I've created with them , watching races , speeding in referee boat etc. in nsc will always be remembered . & now I regret so much for not disobeying my mum & continue what I want .. Too late , Indeed .

I start to doubt myself if this position really fits me . Wtvr I say always seem to deem as rubbish/nonsense . I tried my best in bein' serious , sometimes you guys just didn't make that effort to at least believe me . It's ok if the whole world's against me . At least put in some effort to not treat me as invisible , at least . Questions bein' ignored , pressence bein' ignored , suggestions bein' ignored , advise bein' turned down etc etc etc . Hello my friend , I'm just sittin' right beside , I'm online . I really love how I'm bein' ignored right smack in btwn . Feel me sometimes , try puttin' yourself in my shoe & then tryin' to pretend everything's ok when all this shit is happening to me . Damn ,  nobody really cares . 

Silhouette

" Loneliness is underrated " - Tom Hansen 

It's so scary at times when know you have to face the world alone , against all odds .

It's you against the world & the world against you .

Occasionally you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache . You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor , & picks it up . You are the only who wipes those fallen tears . You are the one who feeds , who clothes , who grooms , and you should be proud of that - Having the strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you is tryin' to bleed you dry or too busy to notice that it is the strongest thing in the universe . 

That is where you learn to fend & love yourself more than anyone else .

Something we can never have answer to , yet put ourselves through shit to find out .

Where's my world of fantasy ?