a late welcome to 2k17

hello friends , it's been awhile .

2016 went by way too fast for me to really reflect on the many ups and downs for the past year . but i'm feeling thankful . i'm just deeply thankful and grateful i was able to build stronger bridges for those who stayed by my side and guided me along the way , showering me love that i didn't asked for in one way or another . thankful that i'm still alive . thankful for those wise words that makes me treasure life even more . thankful for my decision to take a faith in the unknown and not let fear and a concern for what others will think sway my choices . thankful for those that somehow still give a damn about how and what i'm doing . thankful for this world , the amaze balls people I've met on the road who inspire me and the places I've been that took my breath away with their beauty . letting myself be vulnerable has opened my heart to positive changes . I’ve grown to love myself and the way that i think so i embraced 2017 on a contented note 🙏🏼

and now coming to 2017 , i've been thinking for the longest time what my resolutions will be . & after into the second month of the year , i think i've know what they are .

i feel like i've changed , or i have changed . more than once , we’ve been told to be ourselves . more than once , we couldn’t figure out who ourselves were . more than once have we been lost and confused , grasping at the scattered pieces that defined who we were . but i am human . and in moments like this , i doubt the very nature of my human existence , that i have not fully comprehend my own identity and that scares me . for the longest of time , i have changed to blend in with the people around me . how am i supposed to know how to live when i don’t know who i am and what i rlly want ? so what happens when you start to lose yourself ? What then ? that feeling of doubt , it’s terrifying . everything around me , it hasn’t changed but at the same time , it has changed immensely and the changes are drastic . and in moments like this , we think , we doubt , we question ourselves . and eventually , our perspectives change . as we grow , deep down inside we feel as our emotions intensify .

i have so much love to give , but i’m going to start giving it to myself instead of people who couldn’t care less if we never spoke again . i’ve made permanent homes in people who only made temporising vacations in me , and that , needs to end . this year - i've closed my love and hopes for someone i held so close to my heart for the longest time and open up to someone else . and it began . all sorts of emotions and thoughts start breaking through the walls i've build up over the past years . how do you want me to open up when over and over again , i wasn't given the chance and support . i'm a girl after-all . i have feelings . i have thoughts that i kept deep down just cause i don't feel the need to pour them out . i have plenty of insecurities too . i don't get pissed and disappear doesn't mean i don't get jealous doesn't mean i don't feel hurt doesn't mean i'm really really ok . i have unhealthy habits/routines and i need time . i need time to change . i need chances . i'm not perfect , i can't completely change after a sleep . i've been independent for way too long to know how to love anymore . i've gave you yours where's mine ? maybe it's just me . but i'm out . i'm done .

my grandma through my eyes

grandma passed on .

i woke up all of a sudden on 24^th Sept wee morning hours & just when i'm about to head back to bed for another 30mins of sleep before getting ready for work , i took a glance at my phone and BAM at that moment i received a text followed by my dad's call right after . 

idk what went through my mind when i saw my name on grandma obituary . i was unable to come to terms with the fact she was no longer a part of the world around me . i struggled with the idea of death and the conceptual feeling we call grief . i've always fear the death of my loved ones and friends ever since my lower secondary bestfriend passed away . grandma death was the first i experienced among all my kins and now the thought of death becomes a subtle pain that lingers within me not knowing if the next breath is our last . what's even more heartbreaking is i do not know if and when i will have enough time to say my final words the fact that i do not know how to say goodbyes . i found peace only after reading this words of condolences among the few i received - " its okay to feel weak at this point , don't fight it ". & i had a good breakdown after .

grandma have been sick in the recent months. she spent most of her last months at home , most of the time sleeping , surrounded by family and ever-by-her-side grandpa . she reconciled with the idea of death and could slowly feel it coming but she kept it silent to herself . there was once i overheard her talking to herself that all she does is eat and sleep .. .. 
in the midst of all this , i realised my father was losing her mother . 
whenever i went home in malaysia to pay a visit to my grandparents , i witnessed the obvious change of grandma's body bearing the signs of past and present illnesses , from the over-swollen due to the side effects of the meds till down to bone wrap by literaly a layer of skin . it aches so much just by looking at her . i imagined myself at an older age and thought about how time changes one’s perspective on being a woman . but despite being ill , grandma never forgets to look pretty infront of her 10 children and many grandchildren and now loss count great-grandchildren or when she's expecting guests . she will always have a plastic bag containing her comb , gel , and most imortantly , mirror hanging by the handle of her wheelchair. she wants to present her prettiest self to eveyrone .

grandpa never leaves grandma side . he makes sure he gave her a shower ,  fed her , took her meds and one of their children or grandchildren is around to take care of grandma before heading to his orchard to water his vegetable plants and fruit trees . even so , he makes it a quick trip instead of hours he used to take . he never gives up on her once and they're the perfect role model i've always looked up to .

death comes fast out of nowhere . it will happen to eveyone . it's not a plan . i'm being an unfillial grandaughter . my pressence wasn't there during the chanting . but my soul cerianly did . & i couldn't be there to bury her body either . I wasn't there for her in her last moments . no matter what methods i tried , i hate the fact i couldn't get through the immigrations and be there . i regret not putting in 100% to perfect my hokkien . we could've chatted more 'bout anything in life if i did . come to think of it , i hardly know what kind of activities my grandma really enjoys doing , i can only vividly remeber one or two . i'm not as close to my grandma and grandpa as compared to my brother since he was taken care of by them the moment he's born but i'll definitely miss her telling me to " eat more eat more " at every meal making sure we'll never go hungry . 

RIP grandma , i hope you left with a peace of mind . you'll never be forgotten . also , thank you to those who gave me your kind words of condolences and being there for me during this difficult time . i do appreciate it .

" Maybe death is a beautiful beginning ; a fresh start where the people we cherish feel no pain and watch over us as we continue to live our everyday lives . "