HMD'14

I know when things are tough , I need to be stronger . Those 19 days of your hols could've been one of our happiest time of all . I've always hated you to the extreme end . I don't even know how to love anymore . If I were to be a free-thinker , If I've yet to touch Buddhism , I bet I would've somehow curse & swear at you all day all night . But thank god for Buddhism , cause no matter how much I hated you , the thought of you bein' there for the past 15 years & the thought of one shouldn't have hatred but compassion instead , always saves the day . & I know I have to endure better & better . In all ways , I'm not gonna surrender to this battle or sent my regards to heaven . 13yrs & 11yrs back , what you did don't deserve forgiveness at all - I forgave you . Yet they were the most terrible nightmares in my childhood archive . Those images were way too vivid they still do haunt me . I'm pretty much close to 101% sure I can't forget even when both my leg steps in my grave . So many things I've wanted to do as a child , all those dreams I've been chasing were destroyed by you halfway .
Will you even reflect on all those evil and mean deeds you've done .

Love-deprived since young I don't even recall I have a childhood or what the terms meant . How so damn fucking much I envied those that get to have precious family time or gatherings . How their family were there for them when they fall . How I always weep a lil' every-time I scroll through social sites and see my friends having family time or when my friends share stories of what they've done with their family . How everyone is posting their photos with their mum while in the meantime my gift was not even bein' looked at at all . Always bein' compared & always deem as incapable of everything & always bein' called a loser by the person technically in the dictionary whose supposed to love you most , we're close to our snap ends . Don't you think you played a huge role in whoever you think we've become ? I've always wonder how can you not even feel a bit of pain/guilt every time you lay your hands on us . They say family will always be the one you can count on , sorry I don't . When I fall deep and hard , I have to stand up myself . This home is plainly built on a ground for shelter only . 

I have to thank you though , you made me even stronger than anybody , you made my stress tolerance higher than anybody . God know's under that protective everything-seems-to-go-well shell of the happy-go-lucky me contains a breaking-down-bit-by-bit-day-by-day soul . How I could turn a negative situation into smth more positive and motivational ?. All these years I'm proud of myself for struggling past through all these terrible horrible emotional turmoil esp the past week which seems as if I'm at the lowest level in hell . Deeply thankful and guilty for all those who were there for me and the sacrifices made for me , I promise I'll repay back in all means I can . I'm thankful I managed to survive till this very moment and didn't put a stop to myself . Thank you finn so so much for having to suffered what you didn't & shouldn't need to . All of you and those pressing on words makes the inner self me aware that I have to survive , I need to survive . I can't dump those I loved that meant the world to me .
I can't ditch everything & leave . 

I've always kept my deepest secrets well and told only to one person who I deeply loved that left in the end leaving me hanging right till now . I've always thought I could handle them well keeping all to myself . Only to realise I can't take it all in anymore after what's been through the past few days . How far more can I go ? How much more can I endure? How much more hurt can I take ? I really dk . For now , live by each day sinyei . Just tell yourself tmr will be better . Gtg guys , before these water that I've been trying to hold back while recalling for this post in my eyes will fall . And yeah , haters out there gonna be hatin' me , wtvr . 

And hey , I sincerely wish you a HMD as much as I sincerely wish you could leave me alone from now .

No flowers , Cactus for you .